(no subject)
1st. Mar, 2009 | 09:42 pm
How lovely! I just came on to write a post and who should I find smiling back at me? Well, Him of course. I was crying and now I'm smiling. How can you do anything but smile when you are met by such beautfiul sweetness?
I should stop crying actually. I should listen to the Truth and take heart. I should not let those inner demons win. Easier said than done most of the time though isn't it. Especially when you find yourself back where you never thought you would be again, dealing with something you thought was finished. I guess I was just on a break.
I think what is frustrating me this time is that I'm not sure I had to come here. Back in 2002, when I really hit bottom, I got something so magical, so special and I knew I could not have got it any other way. I suppose if I really wanted to I could give myself a hard time and say I shouldn't have been so thick headed, I should have got it another way. What would be the point though? So what is the point in me giving myself a hard time this time? Maybe because I feel myself being given everything- really, everything- and yet I am still not grabbing hold. I laughed at myself in December for this attitude. 'How can I give myself a hard time and say that I'm not doing it, that I don't want to do it? I already am doing it...' It seemed funny for a time. And then I descended again, into that nasty pit of snakes.
I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of always wanting my hand held. No one else can walk this path for me. But maybe I do just need help, more help. Someone said that to me a while ago. I was fed up, saying I was tired of all these excuses. They just said, 'No, you just need a little help, that's all.' I guess I still do. Is that so bad? I feel it is. I'm being given so much help. I feel it should be enough. But He knows my nature I guess. He knows what's too much for me. I keep being told He is an ocean of mercy so maybe I should have a little more faith, faith that He does love me and He won't let me go. Faith that He will forgive me. Faith, perhaps, that He has already. It's my one prayer right now- don't let me go. Please don't let me go, please don't ever let me go. I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back. I can't go back but I can't keep pushing like this. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Please forgive and please help me. Please help me, I think I gave up a long time ago.
How funny, I do not know when this draft was saved from, the summer I think, but it's given me some of what I came to ask already. I think it must be true. He is merciful. Krishna, You are merciful :) Now please bless me with the sincerity that I can give up this nonsense and follow. But maybe that's not completely what He wants right now. Maybe He wants that I be a person first. Maybe He already loves me as I am :)
I should stop crying actually. I should listen to the Truth and take heart. I should not let those inner demons win. Easier said than done most of the time though isn't it. Especially when you find yourself back where you never thought you would be again, dealing with something you thought was finished. I guess I was just on a break.
I think what is frustrating me this time is that I'm not sure I had to come here. Back in 2002, when I really hit bottom, I got something so magical, so special and I knew I could not have got it any other way. I suppose if I really wanted to I could give myself a hard time and say I shouldn't have been so thick headed, I should have got it another way. What would be the point though? So what is the point in me giving myself a hard time this time? Maybe because I feel myself being given everything- really, everything- and yet I am still not grabbing hold. I laughed at myself in December for this attitude. 'How can I give myself a hard time and say that I'm not doing it, that I don't want to do it? I already am doing it...' It seemed funny for a time. And then I descended again, into that nasty pit of snakes.
I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of always wanting my hand held. No one else can walk this path for me. But maybe I do just need help, more help. Someone said that to me a while ago. I was fed up, saying I was tired of all these excuses. They just said, 'No, you just need a little help, that's all.' I guess I still do. Is that so bad? I feel it is. I'm being given so much help. I feel it should be enough. But He knows my nature I guess. He knows what's too much for me. I keep being told He is an ocean of mercy so maybe I should have a little more faith, faith that He does love me and He won't let me go. Faith that He will forgive me. Faith, perhaps, that He has already. It's my one prayer right now- don't let me go. Please don't let me go, please don't ever let me go. I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back. I can't go back but I can't keep pushing like this. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Please forgive and please help me. Please help me, I think I gave up a long time ago.
How funny, I do not know when this draft was saved from, the summer I think, but it's given me some of what I came to ask already. I think it must be true. He is merciful. Krishna, You are merciful :) Now please bless me with the sincerity that I can give up this nonsense and follow. But maybe that's not completely what He wants right now. Maybe He wants that I be a person first. Maybe He already loves me as I am :)
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Words from a Master
15th. May, 2008 | 11:37 am
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(no subject)
11th. Mar, 2008 | 09:09 pm
So I've been feeling more than a little lost for... my whole life? :P Well, these last few weeks and months in particular I suppose. I sometimes think back to when I first arrived in England from travelling and wish things had gone differently. That I hadn't come back to Wemyss Road, that I'd let Joseph go off and do his thing and so gone off and done mine while I still had so much energy. Would it really have made a difference though?
I suppose what I've been finding particularly difficult since Christmas is the fact that I could find something so good and so pure and turn from it. That maybe that made all my searching totally redundant and me an absolute fraud. But there are a few things to consider here- one being, if I really had arrived home, would I really have felt the way I did in the community? Sure I was happy for a while but there was always the fact that I felt I had no voice and whatever extremes I went to to counter that, the feeling never went away. I kept telling myself that it was because I hadn't given everything yet and when I did then some authority would be granted and I'd find a voice... I'm kind of embarrassed to be writing this to be honest. I'm not convinced it was the right place for me though; something I'm either very, very right on or very, very wrong on (judging by the shiver I got up my spine as I composed the beginning of that sentence in my head). Let's hope it's the former :)
I have found places where I'm happier; places which seem to open me more, where there seems to be total room for manouvre and an acceptance of individuality I suppose I personally did not find in the community. I've still been bugged by an overriding sense of... failure though. Bleakness actually. Like all the colour got drained out of life. Then add to that the stress of... everything and... well I've had symptoms coming and going, general nausea and messed up breathing from the stress/total panic at what I'm doing... exhaustion... late nights... You see I tried to work full time but found I was getting all ME-tired in a way I hadn't experienced since those nightmare few months at the end of school. So I cut down on my shifts and the extra rest combined with making a big and final decision on something of major importance in my life... well I started to feel better. Until the last couple of days. I think I really just have to get to bed early. My hope is that if I can be in bed the right side of midnight every night and get up at a reasonable hour in the morning, providing I make provisions for more rest in the afternoon I might be ok. Everything piles up in my mind though and I have absolutely no concept of how I will cope.. mentally... physically... emotionally... at all.
My major stress at the moment is money and how to get more without working more hours, going on DSS or taking handouts from my parents. An interesting conundrum! I've been looking at doing paid internet surveys and data input ect. Most of the sites relating to the former which I've seen so far seem to pay you in vouchers for different stores or want to put software on your hardrive which monitors.. everything you do, collecting all sorts of personal data including things you write in emails and medical info you may or may not input on certain sites. Did I mention, no fucking thank you! And sites relating to the latter... well I reckon most (if not all) of them have got to be scams. They all require you to hand over some money in advance of getting anything. One must question why these people, if they are no legit, could not just take a percentage of your earnings or something for x amount of time. Actually most of them probably would be already, if they're signing you on to make any.
The last thing I looked at was becoming a travel agent from home. That requires 3 days of training down in Southampton, the thought of which currently makes me want to curl up under my duvet. Where did all the energy go? The worry perhaps? Bugger it. You know I was actually happy when I got back. I mean, I was a nervous wreck too but that was just over personal stuff and let's face it, if I don't have some sort of crisis in my life, I'll never be happy right? Anyway, personal stuff I can handle. It's all this supporting myself which is doing my nut in. I'd be inclined to say bugger it and apply for benefits but the flat I want to move into don't accept them and I feel it's important for me to move there. I haven't seen the place yet but... it's the people more than anything. I suppose my big hope is that if I can get out of this fucking house everything will just magically start to be ok. Except that the thought of moving out fills me with such total terror... I really think I shouldn't have come back here. I was happy being away.
Anyway, on a more positive note- a couple of things did occur to me. If I really were such a terrible time waster and total fraud of a person without a sincere bone in my body I never would have come back to England when I did. I achieved what I set out to achieve from my travels so being away was pointless so I came back. I took a month or so to do but I felt I could allow myself that. It seemed a bit pointless not to make the most of being the other side of the world, after all. I wasn't sure when I'd get the chance to go out and do any of those things again. I'm just remembering standing in the tower block in Hong Kong, leaning on the... well now I would say balcony edge save that it wasn't a balcony, it was on the inside of the building... the tower was hollow, if you get me (if there are proper words for this I'm buggered if I know what they are!) it would make a nice little courtyard on a smaller building but here it was kind of a grim concrete... ummmm... view? The neon sign in the internet cafe two floor above flashing across the way... the myriad of greyed air con units dripping and making acttractive *cough* stripes down the walls. The fag butts collected on ledges... that city always made me think of some grim sci-fi novel. Take a walk down some of the back streets, behind the polished facade and a weird world encountered you! One of my overiding memories of the city actually was going up the escalators to the road with British Embassy on it with Joseph one morning and hearing sound which I realised I was hearing for what have been the first time in the city- bird song. You can say a lot about London but you can't say it's not green! There are birds, even if they're just pigeons there are birds. Walking past the grimy bus station in Lewisham you can hear them tweating in the bushes. Not so in Hong Kong. It's weird. Weird weird place.
I suppose what I've been finding particularly difficult since Christmas is the fact that I could find something so good and so pure and turn from it. That maybe that made all my searching totally redundant and me an absolute fraud. But there are a few things to consider here- one being, if I really had arrived home, would I really have felt the way I did in the community? Sure I was happy for a while but there was always the fact that I felt I had no voice and whatever extremes I went to to counter that, the feeling never went away. I kept telling myself that it was because I hadn't given everything yet and when I did then some authority would be granted and I'd find a voice... I'm kind of embarrassed to be writing this to be honest. I'm not convinced it was the right place for me though; something I'm either very, very right on or very, very wrong on (judging by the shiver I got up my spine as I composed the beginning of that sentence in my head). Let's hope it's the former :)
I have found places where I'm happier; places which seem to open me more, where there seems to be total room for manouvre and an acceptance of individuality I suppose I personally did not find in the community. I've still been bugged by an overriding sense of... failure though. Bleakness actually. Like all the colour got drained out of life. Then add to that the stress of... everything and... well I've had symptoms coming and going, general nausea and messed up breathing from the stress/total panic at what I'm doing... exhaustion... late nights... You see I tried to work full time but found I was getting all ME-tired in a way I hadn't experienced since those nightmare few months at the end of school. So I cut down on my shifts and the extra rest combined with making a big and final decision on something of major importance in my life... well I started to feel better. Until the last couple of days. I think I really just have to get to bed early. My hope is that if I can be in bed the right side of midnight every night and get up at a reasonable hour in the morning, providing I make provisions for more rest in the afternoon I might be ok. Everything piles up in my mind though and I have absolutely no concept of how I will cope.. mentally... physically... emotionally... at all.
My major stress at the moment is money and how to get more without working more hours, going on DSS or taking handouts from my parents. An interesting conundrum! I've been looking at doing paid internet surveys and data input ect. Most of the sites relating to the former which I've seen so far seem to pay you in vouchers for different stores or want to put software on your hardrive which monitors.. everything you do, collecting all sorts of personal data including things you write in emails and medical info you may or may not input on certain sites. Did I mention, no fucking thank you! And sites relating to the latter... well I reckon most (if not all) of them have got to be scams. They all require you to hand over some money in advance of getting anything. One must question why these people, if they are no legit, could not just take a percentage of your earnings or something for x amount of time. Actually most of them probably would be already, if they're signing you on to make any.
The last thing I looked at was becoming a travel agent from home. That requires 3 days of training down in Southampton, the thought of which currently makes me want to curl up under my duvet. Where did all the energy go? The worry perhaps? Bugger it. You know I was actually happy when I got back. I mean, I was a nervous wreck too but that was just over personal stuff and let's face it, if I don't have some sort of crisis in my life, I'll never be happy right? Anyway, personal stuff I can handle. It's all this supporting myself which is doing my nut in. I'd be inclined to say bugger it and apply for benefits but the flat I want to move into don't accept them and I feel it's important for me to move there. I haven't seen the place yet but... it's the people more than anything. I suppose my big hope is that if I can get out of this fucking house everything will just magically start to be ok. Except that the thought of moving out fills me with such total terror... I really think I shouldn't have come back here. I was happy being away.
Anyway, on a more positive note- a couple of things did occur to me. If I really were such a terrible time waster and total fraud of a person without a sincere bone in my body I never would have come back to England when I did. I achieved what I set out to achieve from my travels so being away was pointless so I came back. I took a month or so to do but I felt I could allow myself that. It seemed a bit pointless not to make the most of being the other side of the world, after all. I wasn't sure when I'd get the chance to go out and do any of those things again. I'm just remembering standing in the tower block in Hong Kong, leaning on the... well now I would say balcony edge save that it wasn't a balcony, it was on the inside of the building... the tower was hollow, if you get me (if there are proper words for this I'm buggered if I know what they are!) it would make a nice little courtyard on a smaller building but here it was kind of a grim concrete... ummmm... view? The neon sign in the internet cafe two floor above flashing across the way... the myriad of greyed air con units dripping and making acttractive *cough* stripes down the walls. The fag butts collected on ledges... that city always made me think of some grim sci-fi novel. Take a walk down some of the back streets, behind the polished facade and a weird world encountered you! One of my overiding memories of the city actually was going up the escalators to the road with British Embassy on it with Joseph one morning and hearing sound which I realised I was hearing for what have been the first time in the city- bird song. You can say a lot about London but you can't say it's not green! There are birds, even if they're just pigeons there are birds. Walking past the grimy bus station in Lewisham you can hear them tweating in the bushes. Not so in Hong Kong. It's weird. Weird weird place.
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(no subject)
20th. Feb, 2008 | 12:28 am
( It's sad isn't it, that we're forced to look to fictional tv shows for the answers to our truths? )
So that's me tonight. Now I suppose I should go to bed. I sat on my arse and played with the net today so have things to do tomorrow that ought to have been done... last week actually. I really can't be arsed. Work in the evening. I'll do that. We'll see about the rest...
Hugs go to
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
purplestarrs. I figured you could use some :) xxxxLink | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
(no subject)
1st. Feb, 2008 | 07:00 pm
I don't know what's wrong with me, thinking I have no where to go but here- I have everywhere to go! Being in this house... having to conform to my parents' way of life and what they want from me... it makes me ill. I know that, so why I am back here? Stoopid!
Follow the yellow brick road. I *WILL* get out. I'm out already. Ahh yes... :)
Follow the yellow brick road. I *WILL* get out. I'm out already. Ahh yes... :)
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Different angles of a (minor-ish) meltdown...
1st. Feb, 2008 | 02:52 pm
Someone just asked me- 'what is it you want, Tor? Somehow I feel you've become lost in all this, all these other people...
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Sunlit Sands
28th. Jan, 2008 | 03:12 pm
location: A place far from here
music: Moby - Play
Oh sweet love. Sweet sweet love. Golden sands, radiant suns and soft gentle songs sung by the wind on the sea and its rustling through green leaves. Here the land cries warm tears of joy at the beauty of it's world and moves your heart to do the same. Ahh Malaysia, how will I ever let go of the love you have given me? Why did I leave you for another land and another life? If this life were heaven I'd be in your arms still.
But I moved on. Or did I? I am told the human heart is infinite; you could give it all away and still have it all to give again... It never ends... The only limitations are in the mind. The mind that is still clinging to a picture of a beach... no... a balcony, at night... This record has a scratch.
I know where my feet took me. So why am I so unwilling to follow where I am already led? Sweet, sweet Love, you come in so many forms. You inspire to madness. And you bring salvation. So which, my Love, is this. I am asking, will you tell me?
ps. Thanks go to
purplestarrs for reuniting me with the music my soul has been craving.
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(no subject)
25th. Jan, 2008 | 11:55 pm
It is a funny thing, is it not, spending your whole life begging love to come to you and then, when it does, when it's all around you everywhere, you turn running in despair for the horrible mess it has made. Human hearts are far too... I want to say fragile here but of course they're so many other things which make this so bloody hard. Fickle is a good one.
I must not loose sight, however, of how blessed I am right now. It's my own stupid fault if I keep asking for things without giving proper thought to what exactly those things are and if I do, indeed, want them as I think I do. It's stupid.
Bah. I truly dislike important decisions.
I must not loose sight, however, of how blessed I am right now. It's my own stupid fault if I keep asking for things without giving proper thought to what exactly those things are and if I do, indeed, want them as I think I do. It's stupid.
Bah. I truly dislike important decisions.
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(no subject)
26th. Dec, 2007 | 06:05 pm
I'm annoyed with myself... again. I know, nothing very new there. I'm just annoyed that I deleted all the entries in my old journal. I never thought they could be useful to someone. I mean, maybe they wouldn't have been but surely that's not for me to decide? Surely it's for me to make all the understanding and experience I have available to others so that maybe they can find something in it and it can help them as others doing that has helped me such a massive amount through my walk. I guess that's the problem with raising others up- you always assume they have something you don't have and, moreover, could never have. That's just a big fat lie. We're all in different places and we can all help each other in our own way.
Now my perspective is so different and my memory so shakey I don't know what I have to say anymore. Maybe It's time to just try. I've gotten rid of everything though. All the (small amount of) writing I did whilst travelling as well. I do still have my emails and what I wrote here but the more personal reflections were all on paper. I wrote a lot whilst in Malaysia, trying to process the illness as well as just enjoying the moment. It was so beautiful. Does anyone else get the impression I fell in love in that country a bit? I had a peace there that was beautiful. But of course, that's not so very difficult to find when the big questions of the day are- shall I go and watch the waves on the sand or listen to the sounds of the jungle or eat some yummy food? Hmmm.
Maybe it's time to try and start remembering though. Remembering the illness properly. What it was like at it's worst and how I got out of it. Maybe someone might be able to salvage some of the writings from my harddrive. I don't know, I'm told there's very little which is impossible to recover. We'll see I guess.
Turn around. It's time to turn around. I got where I wanted to be so now it's time to stop running in fear and actually deal with what the hell happened to me. I had one word going around and around and around in my brain earlier this year- confess. Confess confess confess. And then the phrase 'Forgive me Father for I have sinned'. I never put it there. It just kept appearing and I kept wondering why. Well, maybe it's time to confess. After all, until we do, how can we know what to ask forgiveness for?
Finally a thank you toretrofire who's comments aided me in coming to this realisation. Bless you :)
Now my perspective is so different and my memory so shakey I don't know what I have to say anymore. Maybe It's time to just try. I've gotten rid of everything though. All the (small amount of) writing I did whilst travelling as well. I do still have my emails and what I wrote here but the more personal reflections were all on paper. I wrote a lot whilst in Malaysia, trying to process the illness as well as just enjoying the moment. It was so beautiful. Does anyone else get the impression I fell in love in that country a bit? I had a peace there that was beautiful. But of course, that's not so very difficult to find when the big questions of the day are- shall I go and watch the waves on the sand or listen to the sounds of the jungle or eat some yummy food? Hmmm.
Maybe it's time to try and start remembering though. Remembering the illness properly. What it was like at it's worst and how I got out of it. Maybe someone might be able to salvage some of the writings from my harddrive. I don't know, I'm told there's very little which is impossible to recover. We'll see I guess.
Turn around. It's time to turn around. I got where I wanted to be so now it's time to stop running in fear and actually deal with what the hell happened to me. I had one word going around and around and around in my brain earlier this year- confess. Confess confess confess. And then the phrase 'Forgive me Father for I have sinned'. I never put it there. It just kept appearing and I kept wondering why. Well, maybe it's time to confess. After all, until we do, how can we know what to ask forgiveness for?
Finally a thank you to
retrofire who's comments aided me in coming to this realisation. Bless you :)Link | Leave a comment {4} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
White Space
23rd. Dec, 2007 | 02:23 pm
When I was 13 I had a nightmare which, in spite of what would appear to be a pretty obvious meaning, I did not begin to understand for a few years. Since then it has begun to open up for me and I believe I have recently discovered a new meaning to it.
It started with my brother and I both waking up to find ourselves in coffins. We were happy to be awake and ran our told our mother and father that we were alive- full of excitement and joy as we believed they would be on seeing it too. However, they told us that all of the funeral arrangements had been made, all the money had been spent and could we not just die? Could we not be good children and die? I couldn't believe it and said that we could not just die but they (most notably my mother who is the one who raised my brother and I, our father - though loving us - having very little to do with anything regarding us beyond the money which paid for our living plus education ect he be believed it was important that he provide that for us and that by spending his time doing that, he was giving us what we needed and so showing the love that he felt) they insisted that we try to die. So my brother and I would each go and lie in our coffins and I would try as hard as I could to go to sleep (the nearest to dying I suppose I could understand) but I could not even do that. I would get up again and run to my parents in desperation, saying I couldn't do it and begging them to tell me why they weren't happy I was alive and they would just say, in very bored and harassed tones, what they had already said- that the arrangements had been made, the money had been paid and we should be good children and die. Then they told me that my brother had died. He had been a good boy. He had done what they told him to do. He was a good child, why could I not do the same?
I remember the dream was all in a white space. Totally white. My memory of the first part was just white. White light ground with white light all around, no walls or anything, just white light. And I think the coffins may have been white too. Or that's how I remember them. Everything was white light. Then at some point in the dream I remember being in the kitchen of this house, the house I've grown up in save that it was all white too. Completely white and light. It was the kitchen exactly- exact dimensions and everything but white. All white and light.
I've never given much thought to what that must mean. I feel it must have significance though. Especially given the very deep spiritual aspect to the rest of the dream. I still feel that way really. I feel death in this house. I feel they are dead. I came back from the community, they'd made such a song and dance about seeing me again and talking, how terrible I was for not communicating with them more and then I came back in from seeing my friends off to find they'd already switched the tv on and were sitting like zombies in front of it. I kept going into the room to see if they wanted to talk and they were still just sitting there, glued to the tv. Let the dead bury the dead indeed. I hadn't really understood that phrase until then. Not properly. 'They really are dead' I thought and was horrified.
I'm still pretty mortified when I think of that dream. I know it's what they're still asking me to do. I find that helpful though. It comforts me because I know I cannot loose what's gone already, what I never really had to begin with so why should I be afraid of doing what is asked of me? It's the one thing that has terrified me all my life (reading through again I've found I actually wrote 'love' there instead of 'life'- some sort of Freudian slip?). The one thing I have never been able to face. Over the years I have gradually learned to open to it and accept it to some degree but never concerning them. No no no no. That would mean death. Well you have to lose your life to gain it. So I will lose it. If I lose every good thing they have ever thought of me then it shall be no matter. If they hate me for this then their love was built on a lie and I have no need of it and if they love me still after then... then I will have more than I ever dreamed. It is not a gamble. It is a trade. A very necessary one. What I am getting out of it I do not really know but that is the whole point- it is the faith that it will be better, the faith that there is One who not only has your highest interest at heart but will always deliver what is promised. I have been promised life eternal. It is time to stop standing on the threshold, wondering at the light that bursts through, being both in awe of it and terrified of what could be behind it at the same time. It is time to step through. Is that not what getting better was all about? Not just getting to the light at the end of the tunnel, not just reaching the open door but stepping through and stepping out? I thought that that is what travelling was but was shown otherwise. I found answers sure but other than one, it did not come close to the light I was looking for. Then the one light I found terrified me so I shut it out again. It rocked my world to a point of destruction so I put it away, hid it under the bed.
Enough now. Enough fear. Sure, the old life will burn up and trials await on the other side but if I give Him everything then He will help me through. I can call on Him any time and He will be there for me. That is what giving Him everything means, it means giving Him the good and the bad. The devil himself could come to me and I could tell him to get lost, to go and see my Master, take it up with Him. That is His job. Mine is to give and then to receive and then to give again of what I have received and on so on and so forth ;) I've been so freaked out about the heavy emphasis on obey obey obey I'd put things into such a black and white and literal context I'd missed this. I'd missed the subtle leading (what I need to obey!) Well I see it now, as I did see it before but got scared and so went back to the other way in my mind- the black and white way. Well now I see again and, as I'd asked, I have the love and support I need to do this. Maybe I won't feel quite so confident always but I suppose the trick is to remember those times when you did feel confident, when things were clear and you could be sure and then remember where the confusion comes from. Mine is often born of an unwillingness to do what is right, through fear or whatever. I suppose another thing I need to remember is that while I do need to act, maybe I don't have to act right away. Maybe it is ok sometimes (not always) to stop and spend time asking for what is needed to carry out the task. We cannot do these things alone. We need help and help will be given if it is asked for. If. God can only do what we allow Him to after all, that's the trade off you get with free will. That's the catch. But He's the Creator of the whole universe!! If He can't give you what you need... well it would be a bit of a sham now wouldn't it. But it's not. It's perfect, He's perfect and He's already given us our salvation, we need only accept it... allow it. That's the catch ;)
It started with my brother and I both waking up to find ourselves in coffins. We were happy to be awake and ran our told our mother and father that we were alive- full of excitement and joy as we believed they would be on seeing it too. However, they told us that all of the funeral arrangements had been made, all the money had been spent and could we not just die? Could we not be good children and die? I couldn't believe it and said that we could not just die but they (most notably my mother who is the one who raised my brother and I, our father - though loving us - having very little to do with anything regarding us beyond the money which paid for our living plus education ect he be believed it was important that he provide that for us and that by spending his time doing that, he was giving us what we needed and so showing the love that he felt) they insisted that we try to die. So my brother and I would each go and lie in our coffins and I would try as hard as I could to go to sleep (the nearest to dying I suppose I could understand) but I could not even do that. I would get up again and run to my parents in desperation, saying I couldn't do it and begging them to tell me why they weren't happy I was alive and they would just say, in very bored and harassed tones, what they had already said- that the arrangements had been made, the money had been paid and we should be good children and die. Then they told me that my brother had died. He had been a good boy. He had done what they told him to do. He was a good child, why could I not do the same?
I remember the dream was all in a white space. Totally white. My memory of the first part was just white. White light ground with white light all around, no walls or anything, just white light. And I think the coffins may have been white too. Or that's how I remember them. Everything was white light. Then at some point in the dream I remember being in the kitchen of this house, the house I've grown up in save that it was all white too. Completely white and light. It was the kitchen exactly- exact dimensions and everything but white. All white and light.
I've never given much thought to what that must mean. I feel it must have significance though. Especially given the very deep spiritual aspect to the rest of the dream. I still feel that way really. I feel death in this house. I feel they are dead. I came back from the community, they'd made such a song and dance about seeing me again and talking, how terrible I was for not communicating with them more and then I came back in from seeing my friends off to find they'd already switched the tv on and were sitting like zombies in front of it. I kept going into the room to see if they wanted to talk and they were still just sitting there, glued to the tv. Let the dead bury the dead indeed. I hadn't really understood that phrase until then. Not properly. 'They really are dead' I thought and was horrified.
I'm still pretty mortified when I think of that dream. I know it's what they're still asking me to do. I find that helpful though. It comforts me because I know I cannot loose what's gone already, what I never really had to begin with so why should I be afraid of doing what is asked of me? It's the one thing that has terrified me all my life (reading through again I've found I actually wrote 'love' there instead of 'life'- some sort of Freudian slip?). The one thing I have never been able to face. Over the years I have gradually learned to open to it and accept it to some degree but never concerning them. No no no no. That would mean death. Well you have to lose your life to gain it. So I will lose it. If I lose every good thing they have ever thought of me then it shall be no matter. If they hate me for this then their love was built on a lie and I have no need of it and if they love me still after then... then I will have more than I ever dreamed. It is not a gamble. It is a trade. A very necessary one. What I am getting out of it I do not really know but that is the whole point- it is the faith that it will be better, the faith that there is One who not only has your highest interest at heart but will always deliver what is promised. I have been promised life eternal. It is time to stop standing on the threshold, wondering at the light that bursts through, being both in awe of it and terrified of what could be behind it at the same time. It is time to step through. Is that not what getting better was all about? Not just getting to the light at the end of the tunnel, not just reaching the open door but stepping through and stepping out? I thought that that is what travelling was but was shown otherwise. I found answers sure but other than one, it did not come close to the light I was looking for. Then the one light I found terrified me so I shut it out again. It rocked my world to a point of destruction so I put it away, hid it under the bed.
Enough now. Enough fear. Sure, the old life will burn up and trials await on the other side but if I give Him everything then He will help me through. I can call on Him any time and He will be there for me. That is what giving Him everything means, it means giving Him the good and the bad. The devil himself could come to me and I could tell him to get lost, to go and see my Master, take it up with Him. That is His job. Mine is to give and then to receive and then to give again of what I have received and on so on and so forth ;) I've been so freaked out about the heavy emphasis on obey obey obey I'd put things into such a black and white and literal context I'd missed this. I'd missed the subtle leading (what I need to obey!) Well I see it now, as I did see it before but got scared and so went back to the other way in my mind- the black and white way. Well now I see again and, as I'd asked, I have the love and support I need to do this. Maybe I won't feel quite so confident always but I suppose the trick is to remember those times when you did feel confident, when things were clear and you could be sure and then remember where the confusion comes from. Mine is often born of an unwillingness to do what is right, through fear or whatever. I suppose another thing I need to remember is that while I do need to act, maybe I don't have to act right away. Maybe it is ok sometimes (not always) to stop and spend time asking for what is needed to carry out the task. We cannot do these things alone. We need help and help will be given if it is asked for. If. God can only do what we allow Him to after all, that's the trade off you get with free will. That's the catch. But He's the Creator of the whole universe!! If He can't give you what you need... well it would be a bit of a sham now wouldn't it. But it's not. It's perfect, He's perfect and He's already given us our salvation, we need only accept it... allow it. That's the catch ;)
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A form of Sanity?
22nd. Dec, 2007 | 01:20 pm
location: My parents' fancy sitting room. London.
music: Silent Shout - The Knife
I'm having a hard time today. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm unsure of which way to turn or who to call on for help. Story of my life?
It's crazy really. I've had so much help and so much support and yet I still seem to find it impossible to ask for what I need- afraid of getting in the way and being a nuisance. It's crazy. People bend over backwards to help me. I tell myself that that's where it comes from- they shouldn't do so much for me. I should go and do it on my own. Always on my own. Get up, leave. Pretend I can do it without them because I can never help feeling that they'd be better off without me. Pretend I don't need them. Pretend I understand. Get upset and tell them they don't understand, they have it wrong when the poor souls are just trying to tell me that they love me. I haven't a clue.
I want things to be simple again. I found a form of sanity. I could see the Truth. Where did it go? It got lost in this stinking quagmire of a world. Lost beneath all the warm blankets.
I feel frustrated. Last weekend I concluded that my frustration stemmed from a disobedience to God. I think I was right, only I perhaps got what I was being disobedient about wrong. I do this. I beat myself up so much about the mistakes I've made in the past I fail to see the solution hanging right in front of my face. I always think 'if only I'd done it that way, then I'd know'. I ask for help and then have no comprehension of it when it arrives, which of course it does. That's the nature of Grace.
I'm lost. I have no idea how to survive in this world. I keep trying and trying and I seem to just keep failing and failing. Get better, it'll be alright, get your health and it will all be alright. Find someone to love and it'll be alright, find someone to love and it'll all be alright. Go travelling and it'll be alright, go travelling and it'll all be alright. Join a community and it'll be alright, join a community and it'll all be alright... Was I lied to? Will it ever be alright? I thought it would.
Then I take myself back to Malaysia. Back to Tioman Island before the world fell apart. It finally made sense. I was happy. I had friends. They loved me, I loved them. They helped me and perhaps I helped them. I could walk about and smile and just go where the wind blew. I could walk 10 miles through ancient jungle and sit and watch flying foxes in the trees afterwards. I could walk barefoot in the moonlight, listening to the soft lapping of the water on the sand. I could say 'yes'. It didn't matter, none of it mattered. Ahh yes Tioman. She still sings to me. Gentle sun and gentle rain, gentle sea to wash away the pain...
Then the roof fell in.
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. HA! Maybe I'm just too easily lead. I'd follow a person anywhere but God... I ask Him in and then I shun Him. Why won't I give in? I want to let Him take over. It's too much. It's too much to cope with. Surely we're not meant to deal with this much. Suely we're not meant to figure it all out. I read in the Bible yesterday about the tower of Babel.
( Read more... )
Now there is a parable of Jesus in which a tower never got finished. Is that why the languages were confused? I did not understand but what I wrote reminded me of that parable and, not being able to remember which Gospel it was in (let alone which chapter) I googled it online (as it turns out it is Luke 14:26-33, verses 26-27 and verse 33 having been giving me particular grief these last 2 months). I then found an interesting interpretation which I had not heard before and I feel may hold a key to that part of the story in Genesis. My theory is this-
Were we able to do all in the world, make all the glory we chose (for I feel it is of significance that they wanted to build the city to make a name for themselves) would anything ever persuade us to turn to God? We'd have such glorious lives. Would we ever consider we weren't already in the Kingdom? When I first read that I thought, 'Why did God do that? Was that not a bit mean? Why was He so cruel as to stop us understanding each other and building wonderful things..?' Now I'm wondering if He saw that this understanding of each other would have lead us away from understanding Him which is the only thing we really need. If we understand Him then surely we understand His creation and if we understand His creation then, being part of that creation, will we not understand ourselves and each other? Though if we understand each other then do we not understand God, at least a little bit? And is not working together what the Kingdom of Heaven is about? Ahh, but it's working together for the love and glory of God, not for making a name for ourselves. Yes, maybe he confused us so we could see more clearly how foolish we are. For when everything is running smoothly, do any of us stop to question what is happening? I mean really stop and really question, not just ponder for a moment about how deep our happiness and satisfaction run before being carried off by them again to whatever disaster is just down stream? Is not only when we have crashed into that rock and we are trying to collect the pieces of our broken boat (which was so lovely!) that we truly take time to consider these things? When things have gone spectacularly wrong, when we are left with the tower that is only half built and nothing with which to finish.
Maybe I am way off the mark with that. I do pretend to have answers. I am just trying to understand, at least a little. I thought I did a bit. I suppose that's why a hole got blown in it- why my boat got broken. I'd found peace. I'd reached a level, it was time to start moving to the next one. Oh Tioman! What bliss you gave me. I shall always be grateful for your rest :)
Take no thought for your life, let God do it for you- He knows what you need and how best to provide it. You have no need of worry. You think by storing up goods, by burdening yourself with that responsibility that you can take away His power? His knowledge? You think you can stop Him from taking it or from taking you? Death comes to us all in many forms. The riches of this world cannot prevent that. Clothing yourself with fear will not protect you. It cannot stop the Glory of God, it cannot stop Him loving you, even if it stops you loving Him.
What shall a man give in exchange for his soul indeed.
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Written some time in November in a library in Southwark...
22nd. Dec, 2007 | 01:17 pm
It's a strange thing, finding a way of looking in on society from the outside, not being a part of it, dropping out. All of those hopes and fears slowly fading away. The blissful release of all that self concern and all that goes with it. Not to mention the gradual realisation of just how absurd and far reaching the lies really are.
I've found it particularly interesting that it's like we're constantly telling ourselves and each other what is happening- that it is a lie. That this isn't the way but then choose to ignore it, we pretend it's just fantasy. I've already written about The Matrix on here once before, just after I first got an inclining of the sincerity in it- the Truth.
We build up all of these institutions. These hierachies, we hand over our power and then complain when things don't go our way. We tell our children that they are criminals and that in order to be good, to be right, to be of some worth they must contribute to the society which shuns them. The education system is systematic brainwashing. Or, rather, brain-defiling. Washing implies a cleansing process which some might deam to be good. We're made obese on information. Pointless bits of trivia. Rationalities and philosophies, all espousing the good of the system even while, in some cases, claiming to be rejecting it. It's like Brian May getting up and performing an ode to the Queen on her Golden Jubilee. It's the ultimate sell out.
People keep saying Big Brother is coming. Get up and protest because it's coming. What they fail to realise is that it's already here- it has been for a long time and they are just another part of it. A parody of free will. Head out on the weekend. Say you don't like it but don't stop earning- don't stop working for money, look what you could do with it! You could change the world! It's just another lie. Another false hope. It's like Boromier asking Frodo for the ring- insisting it can save them. You've heard it many times- power is money, money is power and power will always corrupt. There was only one person who was able to hold the ring, to put it on and not be affected and he got written out of the films. What does that tell you? We've been lied to so long we no longer even think to consider it. We've ignored the clues to such an extent that we've begun to write them out of our thinking.
I've found it particularly interesting that it's like we're constantly telling ourselves and each other what is happening- that it is a lie. That this isn't the way but then choose to ignore it, we pretend it's just fantasy. I've already written about The Matrix on here once before, just after I first got an inclining of the sincerity in it- the Truth.
We build up all of these institutions. These hierachies, we hand over our power and then complain when things don't go our way. We tell our children that they are criminals and that in order to be good, to be right, to be of some worth they must contribute to the society which shuns them. The education system is systematic brainwashing. Or, rather, brain-defiling. Washing implies a cleansing process which some might deam to be good. We're made obese on information. Pointless bits of trivia. Rationalities and philosophies, all espousing the good of the system even while, in some cases, claiming to be rejecting it. It's like Brian May getting up and performing an ode to the Queen on her Golden Jubilee. It's the ultimate sell out.
People keep saying Big Brother is coming. Get up and protest because it's coming. What they fail to realise is that it's already here- it has been for a long time and they are just another part of it. A parody of free will. Head out on the weekend. Say you don't like it but don't stop earning- don't stop working for money, look what you could do with it! You could change the world! It's just another lie. Another false hope. It's like Boromier asking Frodo for the ring- insisting it can save them. You've heard it many times- power is money, money is power and power will always corrupt. There was only one person who was able to hold the ring, to put it on and not be affected and he got written out of the films. What does that tell you? We've been lied to so long we no longer even think to consider it. We've ignored the clues to such an extent that we've begun to write them out of our thinking.
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(no subject)
30th. Sep, 2007 | 07:02 pm
music: Marble House - The Knife
It's a strange thing, going off and doing everything you spent so long dreaming of and then coming back and putting yourself right back in that hole it took 5 years to climb out of. More. I spent my whole life trying to get out of this house. Maybe it's time to give up the fight. Maybe that was always my problem.
It is good, being back. It's comforting. It's warm and familiar. I got so tired of so many new experiences. Every day something different, no time to stop and process it all. Just go go go from one strange reality to the next, things getting weirder and weirder all the time. I remember when I arrived in Hong Kong, I'd left Ulaan Bataar that morning with a fever and a cold. Little UB and then I was in this place surrounded by huge towering buildings with bright neon signs reaching up their length, seemingly to the sky. It was more than a little strange. It took me a day or two to adjust and learn to block out most of the colours and sounds and, did I mention ? People. That's one crowded city. No green. The tiniest little parks you've ever seen in your life. The two or something that there are. I guess everyone goes to the outlying islands when they want a bit of peace. Or to the harbour. That's nice. There's always a calm, peaceful atmosphere there as you turn your back on one kind of insanity and gaze across at the madness on the other side. I can't believe this world. I don't see how anyone is ever meant to get their head around it. There's just so much... so much. All so different. People say a place is a place, they're all much the same. I suppose they are- there's always ground. There's always a sky, though, mind you, you can't necessarily see it so well. But there are so many people. People everywhere. Everywhere. You can't escape. There's no escape. Not anymore. We've taken over, absolutely and completely. Sometimes I think the things we do to nature are our revenge for the hell imposed on us for so long. All the famines and storms and plagues. We think we have the upper hand now and we're making nature pay. Foolish children that we are. Maybe we'll be forgiven. All we want is love, right?
I can't believe I've been getting on so many planes. I can't believe I have absolutely no intention of stopping flying either. Or using electricity and I'm wanting to learn to drive. All those morals and principles so carefully upheld before I went tossed away. Left to the wind. I still won't shop in Asda or go to MacDonald's but I had no problem drinking Coca Cola or smoking cigarettes. Or trying to pick up cocaine off some very dodgy characters. I wish I could go back to Nepal. Fuck I loved it there. They're used to the tourists. They're used to the white folk being total hippies, walking around in very random clothes and getting up to all sorts. They let you be. Well ok you still get hassled to buy hash and have a ride in a rickshaw ect but not like some places (by which I'm refferring to India). You know it's the end of the hippy trail anyway. You know a little girl called Tor belongs there.
It's a funny old world. One of my favourite songs has always been 'Alone Again Or' by Love. It has the line 'You know I could be in love with almost everyone' I think I should put it in my profile. I may just do that actually. Except I think I should change it to 'you know I am in love with everyone'. That's the truth. 'Love is my truth, my answer and my way'. So why do I always fight it? Fear will make you do silly things. Why do people make you think it's so bad? I just want to hug everyone. Kiss everyone. Tell everyone I love them. I've had to get used to people not even looking at each other in country since I've been back. I found it so strange when I first arrived, it's funny how easily you slip back into old habits- even ones you abhore. All those ideas start to float away and what are you left with? The same empty shell you had before. As if all that work was for nothing. I know it wasn't though. My old Alexander teacher once said to me, sometimes you can't learn a lesson enough the first time round so you have to go back, learn it again but deeper. Then you can move on. That's how I view this phase. I gaining understanding of where I am by understanding where I was on a new level. I need to understand. And I've needed to rest. I'm glad my mother didn't start using this room like I told her to. I'd been wanting to come back to, lie on my bed and listen to music. I suppose it's just a matter of not letting the neurosis which seems to preside here get the better of me. Or the anger. It's not mine. Sure I still have some left in me - Joseph (to his dismay) has been kind enough to show me that I still need to work on that - but not this much. Well I got out once and I had an awful lot more stacked against me then than I do now so I know I'll get out again.
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Half Way Home
12th. Sep, 2007 | 12:08 pm
location: Hong Kong
So today I find myself in an internet cafe in a dilapidated Hong Kong 'mansion', complete with peeling paint work and I don't want to know what kind of stains. 16 floors of apartments, shops, hostels and travel agancies. Prostitutes and, I suspect, very dodgy dealers. God bless the good life. My room is very nice though, refurbished in the last 5 years I reckon and clean, if very small. We do at least have natural light (and air con!) which are two big bonuses. We're paying for it though. May have to move soon.
I like this city. It's the Far East meets England and blends perfectly. You have double decker buses, English style number plates and road signs plus even the Queen still on the old coins. People stand on the right, walk on the left on the escalators and some of the architecture looks like it's walked straight out of London too. But then you have the endless highrises all crammed together with giant neon signs seeming to be having some sort of race to the sky, one which has been interrupted and frozen in time. I saw John and Yoko on one last night. Some of the restaurants in the basements of the giant buildings remind me of scenes from sci-fi movies- I think I'm realising where people have got a lot of their ideas for 'futuristic cities' from. Haven't been out to the harbour yet or on the Star Ferry or anything but I shall definitely make a trip of it soon. Macau is a must too.
It's all a bit of a change from UB anyway. The city it would probably only take an hour to walk out of from the center, with it's wide open streets and low buildings, surrounded by green hills with giant images of Chenggis Khan staring back at you from their sides (really should have got a photo of that!). And the dusty roads with the maniac drivers, the homely little guest houses and terrible internet connections. Ahh yes, I liked UB. I'm glad I flew out though. There's no denying it's remote and there's no denying you feel it.
I like this city. It's the Far East meets England and blends perfectly. You have double decker buses, English style number plates and road signs plus even the Queen still on the old coins. People stand on the right, walk on the left on the escalators and some of the architecture looks like it's walked straight out of London too. But then you have the endless highrises all crammed together with giant neon signs seeming to be having some sort of race to the sky, one which has been interrupted and frozen in time. I saw John and Yoko on one last night. Some of the restaurants in the basements of the giant buildings remind me of scenes from sci-fi movies- I think I'm realising where people have got a lot of their ideas for 'futuristic cities' from. Haven't been out to the harbour yet or on the Star Ferry or anything but I shall definitely make a trip of it soon. Macau is a must too.
It's all a bit of a change from UB anyway. The city it would probably only take an hour to walk out of from the center, with it's wide open streets and low buildings, surrounded by green hills with giant images of Chenggis Khan staring back at you from their sides (really should have got a photo of that!). And the dusty roads with the maniac drivers, the homely little guest houses and terrible internet connections. Ahh yes, I liked UB. I'm glad I flew out though. There's no denying it's remote and there's no denying you feel it.
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Finally!
30th. Aug, 2007 | 04:58 pm
location: Mongolia
Wow. Livejournal. Finally. Had been wanting to post the whole time I was in China but, as with Iran, the site was blocked. The Chinese are more subtle about these things than the Iranians though- at least they have the decency to admit what they're doing with a bright yellow triangle 'FORBIDDEN SITE' and a load of farsi scribbled all over it. In China it merely comes up that IE is unable to find the page you are looking for. I'm not a big fan. Plus, having been unable to print screen and get the forbidden site thing on disc in Iran, I was looking forward to the opportunity of getting something similar in China. Would make an awesome friends only banner don't you think? Alas, I shall just have to return to Iran ;)
But where did I even last update from? Ahh yes, Singapore. Shortly after the roof fell in. It's a strange world isn't it and every day it just seems to get stranger and stranger. Coming here on the train... I did not know places like this ever existed save for in dreams, let alone in reality still. But I think maybe dreams have more power here. The spirits are strong, I saw them this morning playing, or maybe hiding, in the first light of dawn, the sky just beginning to turn a deep red on the eastern horizon. Weak bladders are good for something it seems.
So where is here? Well, it's Ulaan Bataar. For the benefit of any who don't know where that is (as I didn't until relatively recently) it's a small city in the middle of a remote country where the few roads there are fade into the hills a mere hour's drive out. I think this is my idea of heaven. I knew Outer Mongolia was a good idea ;) Especially after the stink of Beijing. I could at least see blue sky and breathe relatively fresh air the last couple of days- autumn had obviously arrived. First it rained and then a fresh breeze blew through the city, blowing the smog that was left after the rain away and stopping a new lot from forming. Bliss. What the hell the athletes are going to do next year I don't know, summer in that city isn't so great.
Smog aside though Beijing was good. I slightly mad ordeal at times, an infection in a tooth causing a mild fever and extreme pain for a few days til I went to a dentist who performed root canal therapy with no anesthetic. It didn't hurt. Or not much anyhow. I did need an injection the next time I went back as some of the pulp was still alive and that did start to hurt but overall it was.. fine. They must do things differently out there cos everyone I've ever spoken to always says it hurts like hell. Lucky me I guess, especially as the Chinese seem to have something serious against painkillers. Argh. A word to any prospective travelers- buy as much codeine as you can, wherever you can! That stuff is genius and if you run out somewhere where you can't get hold of more, you won't be happy- trust me!
So yes. It was running around Tian An Men Sq, remembering the scenes of what happened there and being surprised that's there doesn't seem to be any residual negativity in the area. Going to a park where an Emperor once hanged himself, meeting up with friends, walking waaaaaaaaay to far (especially to banks -did I mention how big that city is?), rolling around in pain, visiting the dentist, going to crazy plush clubs you'd pay a small fortune to enter in the west, saying goodbye to friends, making new ones sitting around talking to silly times in the morning, eating yummy street food and even yummier (to the homesick) western food, running off to The Great Wall, having a taxi driver try to get you killed (well not really but it could have ended badly- walking off into the Chinese countryside alone, not knowing where the fuck I was or where I was going or, of course, speaking Chinese), hitchiking, bumping into more friends, visiting a magic shop and the Forbidden City. Oh yeah and getting a crazy headache from the crazy fumes in a friend's hostel. 35yuan maybe the cheapest you'll find in Beijing but you know, I'd rather pay double and retain my health, thanks :)
So that was Beijing. Wow. Headfuck huh! And now I'm in Mongolia! Outer Fucking Mongolia! One sleeper bus, a little bus and a sleeper train from Beijing. Oh and about 15 degrees C too. That Norse blood is singing- can you hear it? ;) I wasn't too hot in Beijing, not like some people. It's kinda weird how well you acclimatize (and good!) but I'm glad to be somewhere cool. It's good to feel a slight chill on the breeze and to put on a jumper. My hands nearly froze standing with my arms and head out of the window of the train. It was lovely! And God is this country beautiful! I've never seen anything like it! So beautiful! Rolling hills with wide valleys, all green and occassionally even sprinkled with trees. So open though. So so open. I've been craving open land for years. Take me to the open spaces, that's what I asked. Well that's what I've got. Finally. And the birds- there are birds of prey everywhere! Everywhere! I didn't even bother counting them! Harriers apparently, harriers and some eagles. It's amazing. I thought Mongolia was a lifeless place but it's absolutely teeming.
But where did I even last update from? Ahh yes, Singapore. Shortly after the roof fell in. It's a strange world isn't it and every day it just seems to get stranger and stranger. Coming here on the train... I did not know places like this ever existed save for in dreams, let alone in reality still. But I think maybe dreams have more power here. The spirits are strong, I saw them this morning playing, or maybe hiding, in the first light of dawn, the sky just beginning to turn a deep red on the eastern horizon. Weak bladders are good for something it seems.
So where is here? Well, it's Ulaan Bataar. For the benefit of any who don't know where that is (as I didn't until relatively recently) it's a small city in the middle of a remote country where the few roads there are fade into the hills a mere hour's drive out. I think this is my idea of heaven. I knew Outer Mongolia was a good idea ;) Especially after the stink of Beijing. I could at least see blue sky and breathe relatively fresh air the last couple of days- autumn had obviously arrived. First it rained and then a fresh breeze blew through the city, blowing the smog that was left after the rain away and stopping a new lot from forming. Bliss. What the hell the athletes are going to do next year I don't know, summer in that city isn't so great.
Smog aside though Beijing was good. I slightly mad ordeal at times, an infection in a tooth causing a mild fever and extreme pain for a few days til I went to a dentist who performed root canal therapy with no anesthetic. It didn't hurt. Or not much anyhow. I did need an injection the next time I went back as some of the pulp was still alive and that did start to hurt but overall it was.. fine. They must do things differently out there cos everyone I've ever spoken to always says it hurts like hell. Lucky me I guess, especially as the Chinese seem to have something serious against painkillers. Argh. A word to any prospective travelers- buy as much codeine as you can, wherever you can! That stuff is genius and if you run out somewhere where you can't get hold of more, you won't be happy- trust me!
So yes. It was running around Tian An Men Sq, remembering the scenes of what happened there and being surprised that's there doesn't seem to be any residual negativity in the area. Going to a park where an Emperor once hanged himself, meeting up with friends, walking waaaaaaaaay to far (especially to banks -did I mention how big that city is?), rolling around in pain, visiting the dentist, going to crazy plush clubs you'd pay a small fortune to enter in the west, saying goodbye to friends, making new ones sitting around talking to silly times in the morning, eating yummy street food and even yummier (to the homesick) western food, running off to The Great Wall, having a taxi driver try to get you killed (well not really but it could have ended badly- walking off into the Chinese countryside alone, not knowing where the fuck I was or where I was going or, of course, speaking Chinese), hitchiking, bumping into more friends, visiting a magic shop and the Forbidden City. Oh yeah and getting a crazy headache from the crazy fumes in a friend's hostel. 35yuan maybe the cheapest you'll find in Beijing but you know, I'd rather pay double and retain my health, thanks :)
So that was Beijing. Wow. Headfuck huh! And now I'm in Mongolia! Outer Fucking Mongolia! One sleeper bus, a little bus and a sleeper train from Beijing. Oh and about 15 degrees C too. That Norse blood is singing- can you hear it? ;) I wasn't too hot in Beijing, not like some people. It's kinda weird how well you acclimatize (and good!) but I'm glad to be somewhere cool. It's good to feel a slight chill on the breeze and to put on a jumper. My hands nearly froze standing with my arms and head out of the window of the train. It was lovely! And God is this country beautiful! I've never seen anything like it! So beautiful! Rolling hills with wide valleys, all green and occassionally even sprinkled with trees. So open though. So so open. I've been craving open land for years. Take me to the open spaces, that's what I asked. Well that's what I've got. Finally. And the birds- there are birds of prey everywhere! Everywhere! I didn't even bother counting them! Harriers apparently, harriers and some eagles. It's amazing. I thought Mongolia was a lifeless place but it's absolutely teeming.
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Time to wake up?
12th. Aug, 2007 | 12:54 am
What if everything we've built around us is a lie? What if only the fiction is true? What if all the stories, all films, all the books... what if they are reality? What if this is the dream and that is the life and we've merely got it the wrong way round, back to front? What if we're just too embarrassed to admit we've made a mistake and we're staying asleep because... because we want to be right. How silly would that be?
Have you found that wardrobe door yet? Come, I'll take your hand, I'll find you a coat and, after all, you already know it won't stay cold for long :)
"The question then is not about pills, but what they stand for in these circumstances. The question is asking us whether reality, truth, is worth pursuing. The blue pill will leave us as we are, in a life consisting of habit, of things we believe we know. We are comfortable, we do not need truth to live. The blue pill symbolises commuting to work every day, or brushing your teeth.
Have you found that wardrobe door yet? Come, I'll take your hand, I'll find you a coat and, after all, you already know it won't stay cold for long :)
"The question then is not about pills, but what they stand for in these circumstances. The question is asking us whether reality, truth, is worth pursuing. The blue pill will leave us as we are, in a life consisting of habit, of things we believe we know. We are comfortable, we do not need truth to live. The blue pill symbolises commuting to work every day, or brushing your teeth.
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Parents, who'd have 'em?
22nd. Jul, 2007 | 03:35 pm
location: Tioman Island, Malaysia
Wow. Man. You know, you bugger off for a bit, everything all nice ladeela and suddenly... wham. A big reminder of just why it was so important to get away. Actually, now I look at it like that, maybe it's not so bad. Or won't be once I can get rid of this aggravation which is all pent up inside me.
So the deal is this- last night I'm sitting on the beach front, watching the sun set over the South China Sea, thinking how lovely it is and yadda yadda yadda. I borrow this dude's laptop, go on to check my mail and see the one from my parents entitled 'Your plans now that you are in Malaysia' which I had chosen (quite rightly as it turns out) to completely ignore when I snatched a couple of minutes online a few days before. So I open it, thinking it's just going to be them asking what I'm up to and stuff and find instead some long 'reprimand' (their word not mine would you believe) for mentioning that I might like to go back to Pakistan "at some point" in my last email. Now apologies if I freaked anyone else out with this, apparently my brother 'was worried also' (why the fuck did they have to bring him into this even if he was?) because I made it sound like I was about to jump on a plane to Islamabad, by myself and bugger off to Peshawar, by myself and then up the KKH and into China and the Trans Siberian by myself any bloody second. Well, rereading the email maybe it did sound like I was thinking of going sometime soon but for fucks sake! Give me some fucking credit would you? I mean, who the fuck are they to lecture me on the dangers of travelling in Pakistan when I'm the one who's bloody well been there! As far as I'm aware my mother's never even been to Asia. Just. Argh, fucking argh. And first she brings James into it and then my fucking brother?? Fucking hell. I know it's only cos they care blah blah fucking blah which is why I didn't scream at them like I wanted to and instead merely corrected them on my intentions and reminded them that it's time to let go. Not in a nasty way but, no doubt, it aggravated them. It just pisses me off. My mother uses the fact that I'm travelling with the money they gave me against me in one email and then offers me more of the bloody stuff in the next. As if I want it anymore? I'd much rather leave the trip early and go and work in Oz than take anymore. I felt that way before this business but now I'm not even sure I want the rest of what we agreed I could have. Fucking fucking fucking fuck. Go take your fucking panic somewhere fucking else.
Right. ok. I feel moderately better now. I suppose it wouldn't piss me off if my mother didn't have a point- I did completely freak way back when James was talking about going to Columbia and then to Argentina. It's why he only said in a postcard that he was going to Burma. I did completely freak and ever since I got out here traveling I've felt ridiculous for it. Actually I think I've felt ridiculous much longer than that but being out here has made me realise just how small minded I was being. How could he help it if I had such a small view of the world, where everthing outside my little bit of experience was so big and so terrible and so random and anything could happen and OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! It's my fucking problem. I'm trying to be sympathetic though and remember that if they didn't care so much for me they wouldn't be worried. And that if they got out in the world maybe then they would see things differently and give me a break. Like I see things differently now and met Annabelle's worried 'he's got a posting to Sierra Leone' with a 'Oh my god that's AMAZING!!' followed by many other expressions of the same sentiment, all with a massive grin on my face which, of course, she couldn't see but hey. So yeah. Maybe I'll tell m&d to keep the other 2 grand, not give it to me in even in the inheritance and to go away somewhere with it. I think I might tell them to go to Greece and to Turkey. And make my mother go to Turkey and see that actually it really isn't that bad. (She has a thing about that country, you know with them denying the Armenian genocide and all...)
Yes I'll tell them to take the money. I don't want it. I really don't want it. It's high time I learn to be financially independent and to take responsibility for my unsustainable spending habits. I ain't gonna do that if they keep giving me handouts. Something I've been trying to make them understand for along time but nevermind. They'll learn now. And so will I. It was good of them to advance me this money for the trip, I couldn't have come on it otherwise and if I hadn't come on it... well let's just be clear that I really did need to get away.
I'm moving to another part of the island in a couple of days. Kaj's gone back to the UK to help his dad of hospital, I'm not doing diving and my room is booked from next week so I'm off to the backpacker part. Rented a push bike and headed over there this afternoon and I think it will suit me much better than where I am. I don't think there's any coral as close to shore or that bit of beach as I've got it where I am now so I guess I'll try and get some more snorkeling in tomorrow but other than that it seems great. Nice cafes, nice bars, not many people, more affordable accomodation (all with mosquito nets too!) and the food seems less expensive as well. It's all hitting me hard here- you can't get a good feed for less than RM10 which is under GPB1.50 but considering I could get lunch for as little as 12p in Kathmandu, well yeah, it's a lot to me!
So the deal is this- last night I'm sitting on the beach front, watching the sun set over the South China Sea, thinking how lovely it is and yadda yadda yadda. I borrow this dude's laptop, go on to check my mail and see the one from my parents entitled 'Your plans now that you are in Malaysia' which I had chosen (quite rightly as it turns out) to completely ignore when I snatched a couple of minutes online a few days before. So I open it, thinking it's just going to be them asking what I'm up to and stuff and find instead some long 'reprimand' (their word not mine would you believe) for mentioning that I might like to go back to Pakistan "at some point" in my last email. Now apologies if I freaked anyone else out with this, apparently my brother 'was worried also' (why the fuck did they have to bring him into this even if he was?) because I made it sound like I was about to jump on a plane to Islamabad, by myself and bugger off to Peshawar, by myself and then up the KKH and into China and the Trans Siberian by myself any bloody second. Well, rereading the email maybe it did sound like I was thinking of going sometime soon but for fucks sake! Give me some fucking credit would you? I mean, who the fuck are they to lecture me on the dangers of travelling in Pakistan when I'm the one who's bloody well been there! As far as I'm aware my mother's never even been to Asia. Just. Argh, fucking argh. And first she brings James into it and then my fucking brother?? Fucking hell. I know it's only cos they care blah blah fucking blah which is why I didn't scream at them like I wanted to and instead merely corrected them on my intentions and reminded them that it's time to let go. Not in a nasty way but, no doubt, it aggravated them. It just pisses me off. My mother uses the fact that I'm travelling with the money they gave me against me in one email and then offers me more of the bloody stuff in the next. As if I want it anymore? I'd much rather leave the trip early and go and work in Oz than take anymore. I felt that way before this business but now I'm not even sure I want the rest of what we agreed I could have. Fucking fucking fucking fuck. Go take your fucking panic somewhere fucking else.
Right. ok. I feel moderately better now. I suppose it wouldn't piss me off if my mother didn't have a point- I did completely freak way back when James was talking about going to Columbia and then to Argentina. It's why he only said in a postcard that he was going to Burma. I did completely freak and ever since I got out here traveling I've felt ridiculous for it. Actually I think I've felt ridiculous much longer than that but being out here has made me realise just how small minded I was being. How could he help it if I had such a small view of the world, where everthing outside my little bit of experience was so big and so terrible and so random and anything could happen and OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! It's my fucking problem. I'm trying to be sympathetic though and remember that if they didn't care so much for me they wouldn't be worried. And that if they got out in the world maybe then they would see things differently and give me a break. Like I see things differently now and met Annabelle's worried 'he's got a posting to Sierra Leone' with a 'Oh my god that's AMAZING!!' followed by many other expressions of the same sentiment, all with a massive grin on my face which, of course, she couldn't see but hey. So yeah. Maybe I'll tell m&d to keep the other 2 grand, not give it to me in even in the inheritance and to go away somewhere with it. I think I might tell them to go to Greece and to Turkey. And make my mother go to Turkey and see that actually it really isn't that bad. (She has a thing about that country, you know with them denying the Armenian genocide and all...)
Yes I'll tell them to take the money. I don't want it. I really don't want it. It's high time I learn to be financially independent and to take responsibility for my unsustainable spending habits. I ain't gonna do that if they keep giving me handouts. Something I've been trying to make them understand for along time but nevermind. They'll learn now. And so will I. It was good of them to advance me this money for the trip, I couldn't have come on it otherwise and if I hadn't come on it... well let's just be clear that I really did need to get away.
I'm moving to another part of the island in a couple of days. Kaj's gone back to the UK to help his dad of hospital, I'm not doing diving and my room is booked from next week so I'm off to the backpacker part. Rented a push bike and headed over there this afternoon and I think it will suit me much better than where I am. I don't think there's any coral as close to shore or that bit of beach as I've got it where I am now so I guess I'll try and get some more snorkeling in tomorrow but other than that it seems great. Nice cafes, nice bars, not many people, more affordable accomodation (all with mosquito nets too!) and the food seems less expensive as well. It's all hitting me hard here- you can't get a good feed for less than RM10 which is under GPB1.50 but considering I could get lunch for as little as 12p in Kathmandu, well yeah, it's a lot to me!
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K Hole
13th. Jul, 2007 | 01:22 pm
location: Kathmandu
Fucking hell this town is crazy. Did I say I wanted to get mashed here? Well I think I may have achieved my goal. The truck has now gone and I'm staying in a guest house where everyone seems to be permanently high on something. I wasn't going to get stoned last night but then people kept passing me spliffs and ahh. Good intentions gone to waste. I'm determined not to get stoned today though, well at least not until I've called the bank and packed some of my shit. I don't want anymore hash though. I wonder if I could swap some of it for a little weed. I don't mind loosing out on the deal- there's no way I'm smoking all I have before Sunday!
Boy am I glad I have a ticket out of here though! I knew I was right to get it booked in Pokhara. Picked it up yesterday. Sorted. My room is so homely and it's so easy to get stoned and into the 'menyana menyana' mentality, well... yeah... there are reasons I now call Kathmandu 'the K Hole'. Ketamine being sold over the counter being just one.
So what else have I done in Kathmandu? Well I did go to the Monkey Temple (woo! Something I can tell my mother about :P ) that was very cool! Lots of cute little baby monkeys running around playing plus of course all of that cool temple shit. Not to mention an amazing view of the city. The sunset would have been pretty cool I bet too but it was covered by the approaching storm.
I've had some incredible food here! There's this veggie restaurant OR2K which... wow! It's amazing! The best everything! Cept cocktails, their cocktails could be better. We ate there twice, once just the six of us who went to the temple, in the corner when it was quiet so we were able to smoke weed and generally have a very nice chilled time. Then with a big group before my leaving drinks. That was lovely! And so were my drinks. I ended up falling back on my new best friend- tequila and somewhere along the line got incredibly drunk. It was good. I had chats with people I haven't spoken to much before, including Kirsty which was nice. She said she'd been really looking forward to seeing my face in Tibet. I must confess I didn't know she cared. Anyhow so I've made her a promise to go there plus email her to tell her I'm going there and how I feel. Email her once I'm there with how I feel plus possibly once I've left too. She said if she hasn't heard from me in 10 years, she'll email me and ask me why the fuck not.
So yeah, my drinks were good though I had a better time after. It was raining when we left and sang and danced my way back to the hotel with the others where most of them went to bed but a few stayed up and got bear while I continued singing and dancing in the garden. My dear friend then passed out in reception and myself and another friend nearly passed out on the front step, having discovered the meaning of life and duly forgotten it. (Well it wouldn't do to remember it now would it?) ;)
Next day it was checking into to my new home, having a lazy breakfast with people and seeing people off, all amongst cries of "I can't believe you're staying here and going to Kuala fucking Lumpa!" I had the cute little lectures too- the 'be careful now you're on your own' and from Rachel- 'I know what this place is like so I'm not going to tell you not to do anything, just don't do it in excess, ok?' She's the one who passed out in the hotel reception for 3 hours. Gotta love her. I'm a bit gutted that 3 days after she got back from Everest I'm buggering off for a month (or more) but hey, I feel SO much better for getting out on my own so what can you do?
The people at he guest house are pretty safe. They've all made an effort to make me feel welcome. Most of them stop for a few weeks while they do some courses or work or something so know each other quite well. I've been having a good time with them. It's good to talk with other people and experience a different group dynamic. I'm beginning to realise what an incredibly disfunctional family we have on that bus. I think we could all do with a break. Well, everyone is going to get one of sorts in 'Nam cos after much ado on their part Steve and Kirsty have said we can't take the bus in as it's just too expensive. Communist countries don't seem too keen on private busses. Apparently it cost 10 grand, GBP at that, to take the bus into China. And no, that's not including people's visas which were each $60 for 30 days. Anyhow, so the logistics of getting 30 people around any country, let alone somewhere like Vietnam, on public transport *and* keeping them all together being what they are, we're apparently being given a budget to go and do what we will with for the time we're there. It's all very exciting! And makes meeting up with people a bit easier I reckon, it's all a lot more flexible. I plan to fly to Hanoi from Malaysia so hopefully people will come up and meet me there. It's meant to be a really cool city :) We'll see anyway. First I've got to get my arse to KL and without a fucking guide book. Ahh. It's like Lucy lost in Santa Croce without her Beadeker. Or not. Hmmm. Shall I shut up now? I think all the drugs have done something to my brain. And I still have to call the fucking bank. Shit. Time to go.
Anyhow, I am alive and sort of well ;) Oh and anyone who hasn't had the link to photos yet- voila :) I've finally finished numbering and naming all that I put up the other day though, no, I haven't got around to uploading more. We'll see what the internet is like in KL for that. Keep checking the EOE site though, there should be a really good group photo (most of us were there) taken at mine, Rich and Sarah's leaving do. Fuck that's a point. I have to sort and pack all my crap before they come call for me at around 3. Shit. Bugger fuck. Ok well just check the site and look for my rocking dress which I got for a super good price- I didn't get ripped off! Woo! I'm finally getting the hang of this haggling thing, a bit. :P
Anyhow, big love topurplestarrs who I always love and retrofire cos she kicks arse! :D
Adios! Nameste! Au Revoir and Goodnight. Or afternoon. Morning. Whatever :P
Boy am I glad I have a ticket out of here though! I knew I was right to get it booked in Pokhara. Picked it up yesterday. Sorted. My room is so homely and it's so easy to get stoned and into the 'menyana menyana' mentality, well... yeah... there are reasons I now call Kathmandu 'the K Hole'. Ketamine being sold over the counter being just one.
So what else have I done in Kathmandu? Well I did go to the Monkey Temple (woo! Something I can tell my mother about :P ) that was very cool! Lots of cute little baby monkeys running around playing plus of course all of that cool temple shit. Not to mention an amazing view of the city. The sunset would have been pretty cool I bet too but it was covered by the approaching storm.
I've had some incredible food here! There's this veggie restaurant OR2K which... wow! It's amazing! The best everything! Cept cocktails, their cocktails could be better. We ate there twice, once just the six of us who went to the temple, in the corner when it was quiet so we were able to smoke weed and generally have a very nice chilled time. Then with a big group before my leaving drinks. That was lovely! And so were my drinks. I ended up falling back on my new best friend- tequila and somewhere along the line got incredibly drunk. It was good. I had chats with people I haven't spoken to much before, including Kirsty which was nice. She said she'd been really looking forward to seeing my face in Tibet. I must confess I didn't know she cared. Anyhow so I've made her a promise to go there plus email her to tell her I'm going there and how I feel. Email her once I'm there with how I feel plus possibly once I've left too. She said if she hasn't heard from me in 10 years, she'll email me and ask me why the fuck not.
So yeah, my drinks were good though I had a better time after. It was raining when we left and sang and danced my way back to the hotel with the others where most of them went to bed but a few stayed up and got bear while I continued singing and dancing in the garden. My dear friend then passed out in reception and myself and another friend nearly passed out on the front step, having discovered the meaning of life and duly forgotten it. (Well it wouldn't do to remember it now would it?) ;)
Next day it was checking into to my new home, having a lazy breakfast with people and seeing people off, all amongst cries of "I can't believe you're staying here and going to Kuala fucking Lumpa!" I had the cute little lectures too- the 'be careful now you're on your own' and from Rachel- 'I know what this place is like so I'm not going to tell you not to do anything, just don't do it in excess, ok?' She's the one who passed out in the hotel reception for 3 hours. Gotta love her. I'm a bit gutted that 3 days after she got back from Everest I'm buggering off for a month (or more) but hey, I feel SO much better for getting out on my own so what can you do?
The people at he guest house are pretty safe. They've all made an effort to make me feel welcome. Most of them stop for a few weeks while they do some courses or work or something so know each other quite well. I've been having a good time with them. It's good to talk with other people and experience a different group dynamic. I'm beginning to realise what an incredibly disfunctional family we have on that bus. I think we could all do with a break. Well, everyone is going to get one of sorts in 'Nam cos after much ado on their part Steve and Kirsty have said we can't take the bus in as it's just too expensive. Communist countries don't seem too keen on private busses. Apparently it cost 10 grand, GBP at that, to take the bus into China. And no, that's not including people's visas which were each $60 for 30 days. Anyhow, so the logistics of getting 30 people around any country, let alone somewhere like Vietnam, on public transport *and* keeping them all together being what they are, we're apparently being given a budget to go and do what we will with for the time we're there. It's all very exciting! And makes meeting up with people a bit easier I reckon, it's all a lot more flexible. I plan to fly to Hanoi from Malaysia so hopefully people will come up and meet me there. It's meant to be a really cool city :) We'll see anyway. First I've got to get my arse to KL and without a fucking guide book. Ahh. It's like Lucy lost in Santa Croce without her Beadeker. Or not. Hmmm. Shall I shut up now? I think all the drugs have done something to my brain. And I still have to call the fucking bank. Shit. Time to go.
Anyhow, I am alive and sort of well ;) Oh and anyone who hasn't had the link to photos yet- voila :) I've finally finished numbering and naming all that I put up the other day though, no, I haven't got around to uploading more. We'll see what the internet is like in KL for that. Keep checking the EOE site though, there should be a really good group photo (most of us were there) taken at mine, Rich and Sarah's leaving do. Fuck that's a point. I have to sort and pack all my crap before they come call for me at around 3. Shit. Bugger fuck. Ok well just check the site and look for my rocking dress which I got for a super good price- I didn't get ripped off! Woo! I'm finally getting the hang of this haggling thing, a bit. :P
Anyhow, big love to
purplestarrs who I always love and retrofire cos she kicks arse! :DAdios! Nameste! Au Revoir and Goodnight. Or afternoon. Morning. Whatever :P
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(no subject)
9th. Jul, 2007 | 01:06 pm
So I'm in an internet cafe in kathmandu, hung over, stoned and eating super yummy (not to mention, spicy) noodles the lady just prepared for us. I'm thinking life is good. just come up from Pokhara, a beautiful place. Actually the whole of this country is like one giant picture fucking postcard, cept picture postcards can never be this good. This whole place is just green, so fucking green. Ok so it is the monsoon but still... such beautiful lush green. i really want to take mushrooms and go out into it but I 'm not sure I can now, not from here with these guys. I am *trying* to talk one of them into for the monkey temple we're going to tonight though. Now that would be so cool! He's not convinced. Ahh well, definitely on a beach in thailand, I definitely have takers for that.
I've booked my flights for Malaysia. Just need to speak to Kaj now and sort out whern I might go, though to be honest I'm no t sure when i want to get there as Kuala Lumpa sounds really cool plus I want to sort a visa for Vietnam for thought i may just go and see how long i want/need to stay. hmmmm. decisions decisions. it's a hard life ;)
I am really looking forward to getting off on my own though, if also apprehensive. Still, I've been assured I won't be forgotten. We'll see. All the people who left us have been welcomed right back though, given a place and all that so that's made me feel better. It's nice to have people together again. We're still just missing Keith. I finally got an email from him today, he's sounding quite n egative about the trip and like he won't come back. i'm wondering if part of that is a reaction to him not really wanting to have left. i wasn't entirely convinced he was doing the right thing but didn't want to sway him either way. I feel I should have pushed him more.
Fucking hell this soup is spicey. I'm not used to it anymore, the food i've had in nepoal so far, well there's been a lot western food but the food I have had, mainly dal and rice hasn't been very spicey at all. This is making me cough and and my eyes to nearly water. As they've not actually started though it means it isn't as spicey as this veggie stuff i had my second day in india. That nearly burned my mouth off, I kept eating it though. it was good :DI've been able to cope with spicey food out here actually. though i have avoided curries. I suspect it's mainly curry powder i've had a problem with, and/or the dairy. Though when we' ve had curry powder on meat on the truck it's fucked my tummy up too. i'm not a fan of that.
Wow i might be beginning to get myself back a b it. I was so giggly earlier it was so funny. I would explain but i think it was probably a 'you really had to be there' type deal. Actually maybe i ts a bit of a 'really had to be there and be me' type deal. But yeah, then i had to go pay my bill and i couldn't stop smirking. It was so bad. Then i turned up about 20 minutes late at the hotel and nearly wet myself when i got the rebuffs off everyone i was meant to be meeting. I caught kirsty sitting a little way apart just looking at me. so funny. think she found me being absolutely hammered last night quite interesting too. Don't think she's seen me drunk since th turkish night, the only other night i can recall getting really pissed being for danny's birthday at tgi fridays in delhi (you try traveling through random countries for 3 months eating their random food and see if you don't welcome it! :P ) hmmmmm. bed is sounding like an attractive option right now, i may see if anyone wants to head off and st op me buying anything on the way ba ck. Nah, i won 't buy anything. Cept I've seen these really nice lightweight hooded tops. nice cotton mix or something. So lush. The sort of thing you always want but never know where to buy. Well now i know- it's kathmandu! You can get a return flight for less than GBP500 this time next year. One or two people have decided nepal is their holiday spot next summer see. i wouldn't want to go to the jungle proper off season like this again though- sooo fucking hot and h umid it's crazy! You can sit in the shade not doing a damned thing and you're still sweating buckets. i'm finding kathmandu to be a big relief so far. Last night it was actually a really c omfortable temperature outside, nice and cool but not at all cold. Pity t he rooms wren't the same. you have to pay extra for air con and there's no fan, ahh well. The everest people have been complaining about the heat a little which is weird cos the rest of us are enjoying the cool! I guess we must be quite acclimatised. The sun isn't as strong here though- I guess it must be the pollution.
Ok so i can see there are a million typos/spelling mistakes but I sure as hell can't be arsed to correct them. So deal with it. ha.
Oh yeah and I'm slowly starting to get around to sorting some pictures online. What with my being here for another 4 days after evryone else goes, I may even finish it before i leave- you never know. I've been told the comments isn't working though. Which is a bum but hey, nvm right? linkage
I've booked my flights for Malaysia. Just need to speak to Kaj now and sort out whern I might go, though to be honest I'm no t sure when i want to get there as Kuala Lumpa sounds really cool plus I want to sort a visa for Vietnam for thought i may just go and see how long i want/need to stay. hmmmm. decisions decisions. it's a hard life ;)
I am really looking forward to getting off on my own though, if also apprehensive. Still, I've been assured I won't be forgotten. We'll see. All the people who left us have been welcomed right back though, given a place and all that so that's made me feel better. It's nice to have people together again. We're still just missing Keith. I finally got an email from him today, he's sounding quite n egative about the trip and like he won't come back. i'm wondering if part of that is a reaction to him not really wanting to have left. i wasn't entirely convinced he was doing the right thing but didn't want to sway him either way. I feel I should have pushed him more.
Fucking hell this soup is spicey. I'm not used to it anymore, the food i've had in nepoal so far, well there's been a lot western food but the food I have had, mainly dal and rice hasn't been very spicey at all. This is making me cough and and my eyes to nearly water. As they've not actually started though it means it isn't as spicey as this veggie stuff i had my second day in india. That nearly burned my mouth off, I kept eating it though. it was good :DI've been able to cope with spicey food out here actually. though i have avoided curries. I suspect it's mainly curry powder i've had a problem with, and/or the dairy. Though when we' ve had curry powder on meat on the truck it's fucked my tummy up too. i'm not a fan of that.
Wow i might be beginning to get myself back a b it. I was so giggly earlier it was so funny. I would explain but i think it was probably a 'you really had to be there' type deal. Actually maybe i ts a bit of a 'really had to be there and be me' type deal. But yeah, then i had to go pay my bill and i couldn't stop smirking. It was so bad. Then i turned up about 20 minutes late at the hotel and nearly wet myself when i got the rebuffs off everyone i was meant to be meeting. I caught kirsty sitting a little way apart just looking at me. so funny. think she found me being absolutely hammered last night quite interesting too. Don't think she's seen me drunk since th turkish night, the only other night i can recall getting really pissed being for danny's birthday at tgi fridays in delhi (you try traveling through random countries for 3 months eating their random food and see if you don't welcome it! :P ) hmmmmm. bed is sounding like an attractive option right now, i may see if anyone wants to head off and st op me buying anything on the way ba ck. Nah, i won 't buy anything. Cept I've seen these really nice lightweight hooded tops. nice cotton mix or something. So lush. The sort of thing you always want but never know where to buy. Well now i know- it's kathmandu! You can get a return flight for less than GBP500 this time next year. One or two people have decided nepal is their holiday spot next summer see. i wouldn't want to go to the jungle proper off season like this again though- sooo fucking hot and h umid it's crazy! You can sit in the shade not doing a damned thing and you're still sweating buckets. i'm finding kathmandu to be a big relief so far. Last night it was actually a really c omfortable temperature outside, nice and cool but not at all cold. Pity t he rooms wren't the same. you have to pay extra for air con and there's no fan, ahh well. The everest people have been complaining about the heat a little which is weird cos the rest of us are enjoying the cool! I guess we must be quite acclimatised. The sun isn't as strong here though- I guess it must be the pollution.
Ok so i can see there are a million typos/spelling mistakes but I sure as hell can't be arsed to correct them. So deal with it. ha.
Oh yeah and I'm slowly starting to get around to sorting some pictures online. What with my being here for another 4 days after evryone else goes, I may even finish it before i leave- you never know. I've been told the comments isn't working though. Which is a bum but hey, nvm right? linkage
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Oh bugger it.
4th. Jul, 2007 | 10:48 am
location: Pokhara, Nepal
So lying in bed, with the relative privacy darkness offers- or sitting on my double seat right at the back of the bus, looking out the window and possibly listening to some tunes, I keep coming up with thoughts and reflections I wish to share. Then I get to an internet cafe, packed with however many westerners plus maybe locals as well, anybody able to look over your shoulder and see what you're up to, people talking across the room and the awareness that time is money.. well they seem to disappear. Maybe it just requires a little more effort to bring them back.
I've been feeling frustrated with myself the last few days. I feel that maybe I'm beginning to develop a deeper connection with some people and right at the same time, I'm preparing to bugger off and leave the truck for a month or more. I'm frightened that the last 3 months of hard work trying to make friends, which finally seems to be paying off a little will then go to waste a bit and I'll be back to square one. They're going to have a hard time going through Tibet and China with lots of bush camping, not like the last month has been, crappy hotel after crappy hotel, almost no meals as a group or time spent all together save for on the truck. I miss our group time. I remember the first bush camp we had outside of Ankara, we arrived early so had all afternoon to relax and build a fire and slowly make dinner. I collected rocks to go round the fire and then went and sat with some others, borrowing one of their knives and being shown how to whittle. I then spent all the time till dark, save for one excursion for a bush wee, whittling away and making twirls in my stick. That was a good camp. 'The Stick Field' it was known as. We went back twice after during the pain in the bum which was trying to get a visa for Pakistan. Not that any of us save for Steve and Kirsty actually had to *do* anything. We just bummed around the city.
It's weird thinking back to the early days. I feel like the trip has finally really started and, again, I'm leaving. Someone said Steve described Tibet as the heart of the trip. Maybe it is. It's not the heart of my trip though. If it were it wouldn't be strengthening for me to miss it I'm sure. I suppose that's what I have to remember, I tested 'yes' for Malaysia and diving. Though, mind you, I tested 'yes' for Tibet as well but 'no' for the mad crazy dash through China. Six long truck days on the trot, probably with bush camps between. Through Chinese countryside, probably just earth roads which may just be mud roads due to it being the monsoon and all. Also, where there are low power cables through towns and that you have to go real slow with 2 people atop the truck making sure they don't get snagged and a third sitting on top of the cab shouting instructions to Steve. We've had big problems with that here in Nepal, taking down a few phone lines plus even one of the poles the cables were attached to at one point. It's a big old beast our truck. And it's home. And I'm leaving it for a whole month. *Sighs* It's funny, I never got sad like this about leaving Wemyss Road and London. Ahh well, I'll join it again in Laos.
So yes, it would appear that my spirits are a bit low this morning. I'm sure it's just because I'm dwelling on all this. And I'm fucking tired, not to mention a little hungry. I had some chocolate at around 6am but that was 5 hours ago now and I haven't had anything else yet. My room mate got up early to go rafting see, though I was awake anyway so pissed around a bit and then got up myself. Think I'll go talk to my new friend a bit later. Everyone else has buggered off somewhere or other. 1 is back in England, 3 have been off conquering Everest (or the base camp on the Nepalese side anyway), 3 have been doing the Annapurna treck, another 11 went from Chitwan to another national park instead of coming straight to Pokhara and may be arriving later today but may be not. Then 7 more left this morning for an over night rafting trip. I'm not sure how many that leaves out of 34 but it sure as hell feels weird!
Right. I'm going to take myself off and get some food, check out some healing stuff I saw yesterday and then maybe go find Steve for chai and a chat about what the bus is doing from China. I'll then maybe look a little more closely into flights from Kathmandu to Kuala Lumpa and start trying to make some sort of decision on exactly when I want to go play with these fishees. There, that's put a smile on my face! A couple of weeks relaxing by the sea with all the pretty fishees! Ahh, that sounds so crazy good I can hardly believe it! And I'm sure people on the bus won't forget me, I haven't forgotten Rach or Ave or Martin.. or Dave (who's safe as houses) though I never spoke to him much. Or even really Nick and Jen, Nick being one of the only 2 people I'm really not keen on on the bus and Jen being his wife who seems very nice but I've barely spoken 2 words to, her being very quiet and me not liking her husband. Rach I've really missed though and if Keith doesn't get his bum in gear and come meet us from England I'll be very cross! We're family. We may not all like each other but, after all, what family does?
I've been feeling frustrated with myself the last few days. I feel that maybe I'm beginning to develop a deeper connection with some people and right at the same time, I'm preparing to bugger off and leave the truck for a month or more. I'm frightened that the last 3 months of hard work trying to make friends, which finally seems to be paying off a little will then go to waste a bit and I'll be back to square one. They're going to have a hard time going through Tibet and China with lots of bush camping, not like the last month has been, crappy hotel after crappy hotel, almost no meals as a group or time spent all together save for on the truck. I miss our group time. I remember the first bush camp we had outside of Ankara, we arrived early so had all afternoon to relax and build a fire and slowly make dinner. I collected rocks to go round the fire and then went and sat with some others, borrowing one of their knives and being shown how to whittle. I then spent all the time till dark, save for one excursion for a bush wee, whittling away and making twirls in my stick. That was a good camp. 'The Stick Field' it was known as. We went back twice after during the pain in the bum which was trying to get a visa for Pakistan. Not that any of us save for Steve and Kirsty actually had to *do* anything. We just bummed around the city.
It's weird thinking back to the early days. I feel like the trip has finally really started and, again, I'm leaving. Someone said Steve described Tibet as the heart of the trip. Maybe it is. It's not the heart of my trip though. If it were it wouldn't be strengthening for me to miss it I'm sure. I suppose that's what I have to remember, I tested 'yes' for Malaysia and diving. Though, mind you, I tested 'yes' for Tibet as well but 'no' for the mad crazy dash through China. Six long truck days on the trot, probably with bush camps between. Through Chinese countryside, probably just earth roads which may just be mud roads due to it being the monsoon and all. Also, where there are low power cables through towns and that you have to go real slow with 2 people atop the truck making sure they don't get snagged and a third sitting on top of the cab shouting instructions to Steve. We've had big problems with that here in Nepal, taking down a few phone lines plus even one of the poles the cables were attached to at one point. It's a big old beast our truck. And it's home. And I'm leaving it for a whole month. *Sighs* It's funny, I never got sad like this about leaving Wemyss Road and London. Ahh well, I'll join it again in Laos.
So yes, it would appear that my spirits are a bit low this morning. I'm sure it's just because I'm dwelling on all this. And I'm fucking tired, not to mention a little hungry. I had some chocolate at around 6am but that was 5 hours ago now and I haven't had anything else yet. My room mate got up early to go rafting see, though I was awake anyway so pissed around a bit and then got up myself. Think I'll go talk to my new friend a bit later. Everyone else has buggered off somewhere or other. 1 is back in England, 3 have been off conquering Everest (or the base camp on the Nepalese side anyway), 3 have been doing the Annapurna treck, another 11 went from Chitwan to another national park instead of coming straight to Pokhara and may be arriving later today but may be not. Then 7 more left this morning for an over night rafting trip. I'm not sure how many that leaves out of 34 but it sure as hell feels weird!
Right. I'm going to take myself off and get some food, check out some healing stuff I saw yesterday and then maybe go find Steve for chai and a chat about what the bus is doing from China. I'll then maybe look a little more closely into flights from Kathmandu to Kuala Lumpa and start trying to make some sort of decision on exactly when I want to go play with these fishees. There, that's put a smile on my face! A couple of weeks relaxing by the sea with all the pretty fishees! Ahh, that sounds so crazy good I can hardly believe it! And I'm sure people on the bus won't forget me, I haven't forgotten Rach or Ave or Martin.. or Dave (who's safe as houses) though I never spoke to him much. Or even really Nick and Jen, Nick being one of the only 2 people I'm really not keen on on the bus and Jen being his wife who seems very nice but I've barely spoken 2 words to, her being very quiet and me not liking her husband. Rach I've really missed though and if Keith doesn't get his bum in gear and come meet us from England I'll be very cross! We're family. We may not all like each other but, after all, what family does?